A Trip to the Guidance Counselor
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: When standardized test results reveal that RK scored the lowest in the fourth grade, Principal MacGregor refers him to the school's guidance counselor, forcing him to confront his past academic failures. Meanwhile, Jaylynn deals with her first crush on a girl since Anja.
1. A Trip to the Guidance Counselor Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 7

EPISODE 4

Airdate: October 7, 2018

"A Trip to the Guidance Counselor"

Special Guest Stars: Winona Ryder as Ms. McDermott

 _#TYH704_

SCENE 1

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _RK and Wade are walking through the halls one morning. RK has a big smile on his face._

WADE: RK, I have to say I'm impressed. We've been back in school for almost a week and you haven't screamed, cursed, or done that bit where you pretend to throw up so you can go home early.

RK: That was the old me, Wade. You see, this summer, I had an epiphany, a spiritual awakening, if you will. And what I realized was that I shouldn't let what's happened to me in the past here at school affect what's going on now.

WADE: That's a really mature way to look at things, man.

RK: Thank you. You're looking at a changed man, Wade. A new year, a new me. A chance for new beginnings, a chance to create a better relationship between me and school. A chance to make the best decisions for my future.

 _At that point, Principal MacGregor pops his head out of his office door._

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: RK, I need to have a talk with you right now.

RK: Well, Wade, that lasted all of a couple days. I'm back in hell.

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Mr. Jennings, this doesn't look good. I'm really concerned about you.

RK: Come on, Principal MacGregor. I actually tried to start this year with a positive attitude. You're throwing away gold here.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: RK, do you remember the standardized test that every kid here at iCarly Elementary had to take last year?

RK: Yeah, what about it?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Well, the results came back this morning and you did poorly on the exam.

RK: You called me into your office to tell me I failed a test? At least give me something fresh.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: RK, this is no laughing matter. You received the lowest score in the entire fourth grade.

RK: So what if I bombed the test? It's not like you guys graded it or anything.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: True, but this test was administered by the state to assess the skill level of each student. And from your results, it looks like you need the skills of God to have a chance of doing well this year.

RK: So what can I do to change things? How can I please you, sir? Enlighten me.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Well, I set up a meeting for you with the school's guidance counselor.

RK: Guidance counselor? But I'm just an underachiever, I don't need special ed.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: RK, referring to special needs-friendly classes in that manner is derogatory.

RK: Oh, I don't have any beef with the kids, but you know how this is going to end, sir. I don't want some jerk labeling me and judging me before I step in the room.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: One of the guidance counselor's most important jobs is getting struggling students on the right path. Give it a shot and you might be surprised.

RK: See, this is what I get for having spiritual awakenings.

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Guidance Counselor's Office

Seattle, Washington

 _RK is sitting in the office chair across from the guidance counselor's desk._

MR. COLLINS: Hi, my name is Richard Collins. I'll be your guidance counselor this year. So, Ryan Kennedy Jennings, huh?

RK: Yeah. My principal thinks there's no chance of me making it past the fourth grade.

MR. COLLINS: Honestly, I don't understand how you made it past the first grade.

RK: Excuse me?

MR. COLLINS: Ryan, in all my years, I have never laid my eyes on a more unmotivated, underperforming, mediocre student than you. Your grades are so bad, you make Bart Simpson look like Albert Einstein.

RK: Hey, there are a lot worse things I can be than Bart Simpson.

MR. COLLINS: Ryan, have you thought about your future at all? Career plans?

RK: Well, I don't know. Trying to find myself after fifth grade, opening my own small business, creating the tastiest sandwich known to mankind. I have some ideas.

MR. COLLINS: Those are all terrible ideas. Do you not understand how pathetic this is? I'm going to make sure you get some brains in that head of yours because it's apparent you don't have any.

RK: I'm reporting you for harassment.

MR. COLLINS: Yeah, like that's going to get rid of me. Face it, Ryan. You're trapped. I'm never going to give you a moment's peace. And there's nothing you can do about it.

 _Beat._

RK: So could I just beat you upside the head with a tennis racket now and be done with it?

SCENE 4

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _Sparky and Jaylynn are shown leaving class after the bell rings._

SPARKY: Hey, you know how it really hurts for guys when they get hit in the groin?

JAYLYNN: Yeah.

SPARKY: Well, um, like...is there, you know, something like that for girls?

JAYLYNN: Well, you know, I mean, like, um, like and like...I don't think so.

SPARKY: You don't have to make fun of me. I shouldn't have asked anyway.

JAYLYNN: Sorry, I just wasn't expecting you to ask me that. Oh, shit.

 _Jaylynn sees a noticeably older girl approaching her and Sparky and turns her head._

SPARKY: Oh, Katrina again.

JAYLYNN: It's not "Katrina again." It's Katrina, the girl that's everything and nothing at the same time.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, you're making this too complicated. Just go up and talk to her.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, right. Like that's just something I can do without thinking about it. Besides, didn't it take you almost a year to have your first conversation with Halley?

SPARKY: I was in the planning stage.

JAYLYNN: And I am too. I've never asked out a girl before, Sparky. I don't want to look like an idiot when I finally do it.

SPARKY: What about Anja?

JAYLYNN: That was different. Anja's my best friend and I was in love with her. I just wouldn't mind sharing some fries and a milkshake with Katrina, you know?

SPARKY: Then why don't you just ask her to go out for fries and a shake?

JAYLYNN: Man, that's basic. Stop being so basic.

SCENE 5

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _After school, Buster is watching TV when RK walks in the house and turns it off._

BUSTER: Hey, I was watching _I Am Frankie_. I just figured out she was a robot.

RK: How did you just figure that out?

BUSTER: No, I mean, I just realized how much of a robot she really is. Before, I thought she was part-human.

RK: Interesting. Look, I need to tell you something but you have to keep it to yourself this time.

BUSTER: Oh no. Did you kiss Adriana behind Anna's back?

RK: No! This has nothing to do with them!

BUSTER: It could be. Maybe you tried to hide your feelings, but you just couldn't stop yourself.

RK: Look, the new guidance counselor at school is trying to kill me. He's trying to destroy the name of RK Jennings. I can't let him get away with this.

BUSTER: I thought guidance counselors were supposed to help kids.

RK: Buster, my man, that's nothing but a myth. These people don't care about the kids. They just want to make your life a living hell and make their money at the same time. It's just a job. Well, I'm not going to be another victim.

BUSTER: So what are you going to do? Kill him before he kills you?

RK: Exactly. I'm going to make sure he never walks into iCarly Elementary ever again. Once I'm done with him, he'll be retired as a guidance counselor.

BUSTER: Do what you have to do, but just promise me one thing.

RK: Yeah, what's that?

BUSTER: Always be faithful to your girlfriend. If it's not working out, end the relationship before you end up hurting her.

RK: Buster, there's nothing going on with me and Adriana.

BUSTER: Just think about it. And don't try using that "we were on a break" crap because that doesn't even work on TV.

SCENE 6

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Mr. Collins' Office

Seattle, Washington

 _RK has showed up to see the guidance counselor the next day with a big smile on his face._

MR. COLLINS: So, Ryan, I have to ask, how did you let this happen? How did you spend years being nothing but a disgrace to the educational system?

RK: I could say the same thing about you.

MR. COLLINS: Huh?

RK: Mr. Collins, when did you first become a guidance counselor?

MR. COLLINS: Way back in 1974. Why do you ask?

RK: Well, I was just wondering if the methods you're using now are the same methods you were using back then.

MR. COLLINS: Yes, they are. Because they're effective and they help kids.

RK: Do they? Do they, really?

MR. COLLINS: What are you getting at, Ryan?

RK: I'm just saying, Mr. Collins, I don't think you have a place as a guidance counselor anymore. Think about it. When you first took the job, Stevie Wonder was winning Grammys. Now, there's more snow on the chimney. You were never able to evolve as a counselor and that's why the only school that will take you is one that a lot of people don't even respect.

MR. COLLINS: You little prick, you think you have it all figured out. I spent years turning kids from academic failures into Harvard graduates. They all credit me as an inspiration for doing better.

RK: I don't think so. I mean, who would remember an old white man telling them to straighten up? There's so many of you.

MR. COLLINS: You don't know what you're talking about.

RK: Oh, I know what I'm talking about. You're a guidance counselor, which means you think you know everything, so you look at kids like me and think we're just idiots who need to be told what to do and what not to do in school. But what happens when it doesn't matter what you tell us? What happens when we're aware of our status and we embrace it? What happens when there's nothing you can do to kill my spirit, because it's already dead?

 _Beat._

MR. COLLINS: Um, I...

RK: Yeah, you have nothing valuable to say to me. Get the f*** out of my school.

SCENE 7

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

 _Principal MacGregor looks visibly frustrated as he meets with RK, who has a devious smile on his face._

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: RK, did you have anything to do with Mr. Collins no longer being interested in fulfilling his duties here at iCarly Elementary?

RK: No, why do you ask?

 _Beat._

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: A new counselor will be here by the end of the week.

SCENE 8

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Anja is doing her homework when Jaylynn walks in._

JAYLYNN: Hey Anja, I need your help.

ANJA: That's all you have to say to me after being away all summer?

JAYLYNN: You went back to Palestine to see your mother. You didn't go to war.

ANJA: Eh, I don't care anyway. So what's the problem?

JAYLYNN: I have a crush on this girl at school and I can't figure out why. All I know is when I see her, she just gives me these...feelings. I can't explain it, but I have to figure out what to do about it.

ANJA: So you're trying to figure out how you can stop crushing on her?

JAYLYNN: No, I'm just trying to figure out how to talk to her. And I can't do it.

ANJA: Well, you were in love with me and you were closer to me than anyone.

JAYLYNN: It's not the same. When I had feelings for you, I knew why I did. I was in love with your soul. Katrina's just a really pretty girl I want to spend time with.

ANJA: Okay, well, if you're going to have a chance with Katrina, you need to make sure you don't trip over your words or come off as awkward. Do you have a good mouthpiece?

JAYLYNN: Mouthpiece? How do you know that word?

ANJA: I read the Urban Dictionary too, Jaylynn. I'm in the streets like anyone else.

JAYLYNN: No, you're not, but it's really cute that you think you are.

ANJA: Look, can you talk or what?

JAYLYNN: Of course, I can hold down a conversation with anyone. I've just never asked a girl out before.

ANJA: It's not too late to start practicing. Okay, pretend I'm Katrina and try talking to me.

JAYLYNN: I need to look at the girl I used to be in love with as the girl I'm currently into? Man, you're just sick.

ANJA: What, do you want to put a bag over my head so it's less weird for you?

JAYLYNN: That's a great idea. Let me go get a bag from the kitchen.

 _Jaylynn runs to the kitchen to get a shopping bag._

JAYLYNN _(V.O.)_ : Dude, where do you keep your shopping bags?

ANJA: I don't keep them anywhere. I usually throw them out after I'm done with them.

JAYLYNN _(V.O.)_ : Really? RK keeps his bags in a cabinet.

ANJA: RK is the last person I should ever be compared to.

JAYLYNN _(V.O.)_ : Nevermind, I found them! Wait, most of these are the transparent white bags. Let me get a black one.

ANJA: This is my life. This is what my life has come to.

 _Jaylynn comes back with a black plastic bag._

JAYLYNN: Alright, I got it.

ANJA: Why didn't you just use a garbage bag?

JAYLYNN: Because that would have been ridiculous.

 _Jaylynn puts the black bag over Anja's face._

JAYLYNN: Okay, let's do this. I don't know why, but I'm all pumped up after looking for bags.

ANJA: Hey Jaylynn. My name is Katrina. How are you doing?

JAYLYNN: Dude, what are you saying right now?

ANJA: I'm being Katrina!

JAYLYNN: Katrina would never walk up to someone and say that. She's one of the coolest girls I've ever seen, don't make her sound like a dork.

ANJA: Fine, let me switch up the style. _*clears her throat*_ Yo, baby, yo, baby, what's going on? Want to pop my collar?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I don't think the Urban Dictionary can do anything to change you.

 _Anja takes off the black bag._

ANJA: Alright, we're doing this my way. Just talk to me like you want to be friends with Katrina. Forget the romance.

JAYLYNN: Okay. I'll try it. Hey Katrina, what's up?

ANJA: Nothing much. You have any gum?

JAYLYNN: No, sorry, fresh out. Hey, I have some tickets to the Seahawks game if you want to go.

ANJA: Do you really think Katrina would want to see a football game?

JAYLYNN: Half the time, I don't want to see football games. It doesn't matter. The important thing is, if I can talk to Katrina like that, I have it in the bag.

ANJA: Yeah, but don't come on too strong. If you tell her you like her, she might think you're weird or something. Besides, you don't know anything about her, including whether or not she likes girls.

JAYLYNN: Should I just give up and try this again when I'm in high school?

ANJA: No, just consider the factors here. And let me know how it goes.

JAYLYNN: You really want to know about this?

ANJA: Of course. This is the first girl you've liked since me. I want to see if you can pull her.

JAYLYNN: Mm-hmmm. You're threatened by her, aren't you?

ANJA: Please, I'm not threatened by anything or anybody.

 _Beat._

ANJA: Is she taller than me?

SCENE 9

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Guidance Counselor's Office

Seattle, Washington

 _The next day, RK is in the guidance counselor's office with a younger looking white man than Mr. Collins._

RK: So, Mr. Jacobs, how's it looking?

MR. JACOBS: Ryan, as your guidance counselor, you want me to be as honest as possible, right?

RK: Of course. What kind of guidance counselor would you be if you were a dirty liar? Because if you are, you might as well admit to yourself you can't do this and leave.

MR. JACOBS: I'm not a dirty liar. All I can tell you is your standards for academic achievement are extremely low, you show no effort in applying yourself whatsoever, and the best job I can imagine you doing is working as a cashier at Dunkin Donuts.

RK: I think Dunkin Donuts might be a little too upscale for me, don't you think?

MR. JACOBS: You're right. Let's try Burger King.

RK: So there's no hope for me? I'm a lost cause?

MR. JACOBS: I'm afraid so.

RK: Dag, man. And I was really looking forward to getting you to guide me through counseling. Well, just tell Principal MacGregor it's over for me and we'll never have to see each other again.

 _Beat._

RK: You can do that now, by the way.

SCENE 10

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _Later that day, the kids are eating together._

WADE: So now what? You're not getting any help from the guidance counselor?

RK: Doesn't look like it. Principal MacGregor fired Mr. Jacobs, so no one can get the help they need. But hey, America.

SPARKY: RK, there's no way you can win this. Sooner or later, you're going to meet a guidance counselor that doesn't want to give up on you.

RK: I don't think so, Sparko. These people are afraid of me the minute they see my permanent record. Principal MacGregor labels me as the worst, so I'm treated as the worst. And everything else just falls into place.

JAYLYNN: Wow, you really have it made. Who knew that all those years of not doing your homework would pay off?

RK: Exactly. I'm living the life of a king right now.

WADE: It's all going to end before you know it.

RK: Doubt it. I didn't spend all these years not turning in assignments and failing tests for nothing. My resumé speaks for itself.

SCENE 11

 _("My Downfall" by The Notorious B.I.G. featuring DMC plays in the background)_

 _A montage shows RK getting rid of various guidance counselors, either through them being intimidated by his permanent record and quitting the job to him playing mind games with them and making them believe they are incapable of assisting him. At one point, RK becomes friends with a guidance counselor and Principal MacGregor walks in on them talking to each other and laughing. However, RK is in the guidance counselor's desk. He shakes his head as RK gives him another devious look. Meanwhile, Jaylynn gets very few opportunities to talk to Katrina, and when she finally does, she becomes intimidated and runs away before she can say anything._

SCENE 12

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

 _RK is once again having a meeting with Principal MacGregor._

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: This...this is unbelievable. I've hired eleven different guidance counselors since the school year started and all eleven of them have either been fired or quit. What are you trying to do to me?

RK: What makes you think I'm the one behind all this?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: You're kidding, right? RK, don't you see that these people are here to help you? I think you're a really smart kid, but if you don't have the grades to back it up, then does it really mean anything?

RK: Principal MacGregor, the people you're hiring suck. They don't care about this job, they just want to tear me down because they hear about me through the grapevine and think I need to get smacked in the mouth. And I'm tired of getting smacked in the mouth, sir. It happens every single day.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I'm going to hire one more guidance counselor. I'll try to be more selective this time, but if they can't get through to you...

RK: And they won't.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: ...then I give up for good. I won't be able to help you in any other way.

RK: Do what you have to do, man. Do what you have to do.

SCENE 13

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _The next day, RK is walking through the hallway with Buster and Wade._

BUSTER: I hope this guidance counselor doesn't get fired. They did a piece about the school last night on the local news.

RK: Really? What did they say?

BUSTER: Something about us being dysfunctional and having inept leadership. Then they started shitting on Republicans, but I don't think that had anything to do with the piece.

WADE: Well, Principal MacGregor already said this guidance counselor is here to stay. So, RK, I guess this is it. You've met your match.

RK: It ain't over until I say it's over. Principal MacGregor could hire Mr. Rogers as the guidance counselor and he would still lose his job. Then again, it is Mr. Rogers so...no, Steve from _Blue's Clues_. Let's go with Steve from _Blue's Clues_.

SCENE 14

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Guidance Counselor's Office

Seattle, Washington

 _RK walks in and sees a middle-aged woman at the guidance counselor's desk._

MS. MCDERMOTT: Hi, I'm Ms. McDermott, and I'll be your guidance counselor.

RK: How are you doing, ma'am?

 _RK'S BRAIN (V.O.): Alright, mid-forties white woman. I can take her down in a snap._

MS. MCDERMOTT: Your principal tells me you've had a lot of problems here at school.

RK: Yeah, ever since my first day of pre-K. But I know you don't care about that, so why don't we just get to the part where you chew me out for being an awful student?

MS. MCDERMOTT: Actually, Ryan, I care a lot about that. I feel like a lot of children need to be heard and feel that they can talk about their problems whenever they want. So, if you're ready, you can tell me all about your experiences here at school.

 _RK'S BRAIN (V.O.): This is new. She's not going on the attack. Of course, she's baiting me. She's trying to lull me into a false sense of security. Well, RK Jennings is not the one._

RK: I don't think that's such a good idea.

MS. MCDERMOTT: Why not?

RK: Well, I don't think pouring my heart out to you and you telling me what I should have done in hindsight is going to benefit anyone.

MS. MCDERMOTT: You don't trust me at all, do you?

RK: If it wasn't already obvious, then no. I'm very skeptical.

MS. MCDERMOTT: I understand. You've probably been mistreated by a lot of teachers before. Yelled at, told that you need to think about your future, embarrassed in front of the other kids. Maybe you just didn't see the point in working hard so you went with an approach that you felt more comfortable with.

 _RK'S BRAIN (V.O.): Yeah, buddy, she's not going anywhere. You better get used to her._

 _An instrumental version of "Let It Roll" plays in the background as RK gulps in fear over being backed into a corner._

SCENE 15

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Guidance Counselor's Office

Seattle, Washington

MS. MCDERMOTT: Ryan, whenever you're ready to talk, I'm all ears.

RK: Yeah, sure, I just need a moment to think.

MS. MCDERMOTT: That's okay. I'm just going over some notes.

 _RK'S BRAIN (V.O.): Dude, I think you need to meet her halfway. She has nothing to gain right now, that's why she's being nice. If she tries to change her style up later, you can call her out on it but just play the game._

RK: Ms. McDermott, I don't know where to start. I guess I probably cared about school at one point, but it hasn't been that way in a long time.

MS. MCDERMOTT: Did someone try bullying you? Was it too much work?

RK: Yeah, it was actually a teacher that bullied me. Her name was Mrs. Spinerman. I don't think anyone ever liked her. She was just so mean to everybody and I didn't get it. Sometimes, I would pretend I'm sick just so I wouldn't have to see her that day.

MS. MCDERMOTT: I'm really sorry that happened to you. I can't even imagine what that did to you.

RK: Yeah, it really set me back. But I don't know if things would have changed without her.

MS. MCDERMOTT: Why do you say that?

RK: Well, I was just never a school person. I didn't like the environment when I was younger and that's not going to change now. Like this one time...

SCENE 16

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Guidance Counselor's Office

Seattle, Washington

 _Some time has passed and RK is fully engaged in his conversation with Ms. McDermott._

RK: And when I told KG about it, he just walked upstairs and I started crying. Maybe it was because I stubbed my toe right after he left and I used to cry about everything, but I've just gotten used to being below average.

MS. MCDERMOTT: Well, Ryan, I can say that with everything you've told me, there's nothing below average about you. You just have a very unique perspective on life and that's something really special. Not everybody can go to school and get the best grades, but I don't think it's too late for you.

RK: And you're sure about that? Because I'm even starting to wonder if it's as funny as it used to be.

MS. MCDERMOTT: I don't know how to respond to that last thing, but yes, I'm sure about that. And it doesn't have to happen overnight. We can always work at your own pace. But I want to keep seeing you and trying to build a relationship with you.

RK: Wow, really? This isn't just a way to pull my leg and then say I'm a mediocre crap at the end of all this?

MS. MCDERMOTT: Of course not. The last thing you need is someone telling you that you can't do something.

 _Cut to RK having a blank stare. Cut to RK in Principal MacGregor's office._

RK: I'm man enough to admit when I've been beaten.

SCENE 17

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _That night, Jaylynn is on the phone with Halley._

JAYLYNN: Halley, I'm telling you, I can't figure out this girl. For all I know, she could be the biggest bitch the world has ever seen, but I can't stop thinking about her.

 _Cut to Halley._

HALLEY: It can't be that hard to talk to her.

 _Cut back to Jaylynn._

JAYLYNN: Believe me, it is. I'm trying to figure out how to talk to her and I can't. The more I see her, the more I like her. It's ridiculous.

 _Cut back to Halley._

HALLEY: Maybe you only like her because of the mystery. You know, the fact that you don't know her. Once you do, you'll probably get bored with her and never talk to her again.

 _Cut back to Jaylynn._

JAYLYNN: You think so?

 _Cut back to Halley._

HALLEY: Yeah, it happens all the time. And it's not just with liking people. You ever got to know a person and then you realize they're annoying as hell?

 _Cut back to Jaylynn._

JAYLYNN: Yeah. A little devil named Lynne.

 _Cut back to Halley._

HALLEY: See? You've even been through it yourself. I think there's a quote about it called "Familiarity breeds contempt."

 _Cut back to Jaylynn._

JAYLYNN: What's that mean?

 _Cut back to Halley._

HALLEY: Well, it means the more you get to know a person, the more their bad qualities stick out. Maybe once you get to know Katrina, you'll realize she's nothing special.

 _Cut back to Jaylynn._

JAYLYNN: That's not true! She's magic.

HALLEY: Jaylynn, it's almost ten and I was in the middle of homework. Do you want to take my advice or not?

JAYLYNN: Okay, okay, I'll consider it. Talk to you later. Bye.

 _Jaylynn hangs up and then takes a nap on the couch._

SCENE 18

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _A couple hours later, Jaylynn wakes up screaming._

JAYLYNN: I can't believe this! I don't just like Katrina, I'm in love with her! Wait, why the hell did I leave the lights on?

SCENE 19

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Guidance Counselor's Office

Seattle, Washington

 _Ms. McDermott is looking through RK's permanent record._

MS. MCDERMOTT: Wow, you've had a really interesting life so far.

RK: That's funny. Usually, when people see my permanent record, their first reaction is to vomit.

MS. MCDERMOTT: Wait, it says here that you orchestrated a strike against the school?

RK: Yeah, I was protesting educational injustice. It flopped.

MS. MCDERMOTT: Well, at least you followed your instinct enough to go with the idea. Did you ever think about doing social work when you're older?

RK: You mean, being an activist? I don't know, I was never cut out to be like Nelson Mandela.

MS. MCDERMOTT: You could always start small. Think about something in your community that you think is unfair and take steps to change it. They always say the real change starts with you.

RK: Has anyone ever told you that you sound like an _Arthur_ episode?

 _Ms. McDermott starts laughing._

MS. MCDERMOTT: You really like watching TV, don't you?

RK: Yeah, how did you know that?

MS. MCDERMOTT: I just got that feeling. You're such a character whenever you talk. You have a great mind, RK. You would be unstoppable if you took advantage of it.

RK: I just don't know if I have it in me. The only class I'm good at is math.

MS. MCDERMOTT: What inspired you to get better at that subject?

RK: My old teacher Mr. Robertson. He was someone I really trusted and he wanted me to do better for myself, not because I was supposed to.

MS. MCDERMOTT: Well, what if I could be like Mr. Robertson?

RK: What do you mean?

MS. MCDERMOTT: I mean, I could help be your new motivator. I want you to know that I'm not scared of you or upset with you or think that there's no hope for you. You might not have been the best student before, but there's always a chance to change that.

RK: There is. There really is. Look, Ms. McDermott, I don't know what's going on here, but I feel like I can do it now. It might kill me, but I think I'm ready. It's time for me to build my future.

MS. MCDERMOTT: That's the spirit, RK. If you don't believe it, then it can't happen.

 _Beat._

RK: We have 15 minutes left, right?

MS. MCDERMOTT: Yes, we do.

RK: Then can you please explain to me why you're not married yet?!

SCENE 20

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids are at lunch listening to RK sing the praises of Ms. McDermott._

RK: It's crazy, guys. I think Ms. McDermott might be the one. She might finally be the person I need to turn my whole life around.

SPARKY: Oh no. Please don't tell me it's like last time where you made the guidance counselor quit because you were in love with her.

RK: Absolutely not. I respect Ms. McDermott way too much to think about her like that.

SPARKY: So, what, you don't think about her getting out of the shower and...

 _RK throws a meatball at Sparky's face._

RK: You pig. How dare you try and make this into something it isn't?

SPARKY: Joke's on you. You just gave me free lunch.

 _Sparky begins eating the meatball._

WADE: Are you sure you're ready to start caring about school, RK? You've been down this road many times before.

RK: I'm serious, Wade. I've wasted way too much time making excuses. There's a science test tomorrow that I've actually started studying for. If I do well, I know exactly who to thank.

JAYLYNN: This is so weird. It's almost like you won't be RK anymore.

RK: Please, I'm just going to start doing the work, not turn into Wade.

WADE: Is it such a horrible thing to turn into me?

RK: Ms. McDermott taught me not to talk myself into an argument I can't win.

 _Jaylynn notices Katrina about to pass by the TSE table._

JAYLYNN: This is your moment, Jaylynn. Speak now or go down in history as a coward. Hey Katrina, how are you doing?

KATRINA: Hey. Wait, do I know you?

JAYLYNN: Doubt it. I'm Jaylynn. I'm just an average fourth-grade girl, you know what I mean?

KATRINA: Yeah, I know how it is. I'm just an average fifth-grade girl.

JAYLYNN: Really, fifth grade? Amazing.

KATRINA: Yeah, I've always been a year shorter than I actually am.

JAYLYNN: Wow, it shows. Hey, listen, some friends and I are going to a Seahawks game on Sunday. You want to come with?

KATRINA: I don't know. I've never really been into football.

JAYLYNN: We'll have food there.

KATRINA: Ooh, like fried chicken?

JAYLYNN: If you want it, we'll have it.

KATRINA: Great. Hey, if you have Twitter, we can trade handles and talk more about the game.

JAYLYNN: Twitter sucks. How about we just trade phone numbers?

KATRINA: Works for me.

 _Buster and Wade look at each other and smile with approval while Katrina and Jaylynn write down their respective phone numbers and exchange them._

KATRINA: Okay, here you go.

JAYLYNN: And here you go.

KATRINA: Thanks. Call me whenever.

JAYLYNN: Sure. See you later.

 _As Katrina leaves, Jaylynn begins breathing into a paper bag._

RK: Wow. If there was ever a manual on how to pick up girls, I would want you to write it.

SPARKY: Seriously, Jaylynn, that was incredible. You had her in your hands and everything.

JAYLYNN: Are you kidding me? I was nervous as f***. And now, I have to organize a trip to Sunday's game. And also, pick up some KFC on Saturday.

BUSTER: Hey, at least you got Katrina to go with you someplace. Now, you guys can spend hours talking, she'll realize how great you are, and she'll start liking you back.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, maybe. This would be a lot easier if I wasn't in love with her.

SPARKY: Come again?

JAYLYNN: Yes, I'm in love with Katrina. I can't stop thinking about her. You know, last night, I had a dream that I met her grandfather. Her grandfather, Sparky! And both Katrina and her grandfather said I was a nice girl. What does that mean if I'm not in love with her?

RK: It means you might want to put down the pipe, man.

JAYLYNN: I know what I'm talking about. My feelings don't just come and go.

WADE: Jaylynn, maybe you're just more into Katrina because of how she looks on the outside and because you don't know her, but deep down, you really don't care that much about her.

JAYLYNN: Excuse me?

SPARKY: He means, it's just a crush. We've all had them. RK used to like Buster and Ashley, Wade used to like you, you used to like me, Buster used...

JAYLYNN: Wait, wait, wait, slow that down, rewind the tape and play it back. How did you know I used to have a crush on you?

SPARKY: Halley told me.

JAYLYNN: Okay, I'll deal with that on my own time, but right now, I need to get this trip going. Any of you want to help me with this?

SPARKY: Buster and I can go.

 _Buster clears his throat._

SPARKY: I mean, I can go, but I don't know if Buster wants to.

BUSTER: I would love to go see the Seahawks play, Jaylynn.

 _Beat._

BUSTER: Wait, Sparky, who did I used to have a crush on?

SPARKY: Remember Jennessa? Your old pen pal from Alabama?

BUSTER: Oh yeah, her. Yeah, she hates me now.

SPARKY: What? Why?

BUSTER: I don't know, it's just easy for people to get tired of me.

SCENE 21

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _A few days later, RK walks out of science class dancing with a paper in his hand._

WADE: Congratulations RK.

RK: Wade, this is a momentous occasion. Grab the fridge magnets, the B-minus exam is coming home!

WADE: You know, if Ms. McDermott was that effective, maybe I should go see her.

RK: Why? You don't have any problems with your grades.

WADE: I'm not just about academics, RK. I have other things to discuss.

 _At that point, Principal MacGregor walks up to RK and Wade._

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Afternoon, boys.

RK: Principal MacGregor, thank you for bringing Ms. McDermott into my life. You bet on the right horse when you hired her.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Yup, I sure did. I'm glad you two made progress. Could I talk to you?

RK: Sure.

WADE: I'll wait for you out here.

RK: Alright.

 _RK walks with Principal MacGregor into his office._

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Have a seat, RK.

RK: It's too bad Ms. McDermott didn't show up today. I would have loved to see the look on her face when I gave her this.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: It turns out Ms. McDermott won't be coming in anymore.

RK: No, are you kidding me?! What happened? She has cancer? Pregnant? Drug problems? Don't hold back, MacGregor, I want to know the 100% truth.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: RK, this morning, Ms. McDermott was crossing the street when a drunk driver ran a red light. She didn't see it coming and she was rushed to the hospital. The doctors tried, but they couldn't do anything to save her.

RK: So...you're telling me she's dead?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I'm afraid so. I'm very sorry, RK. But if it means anything, whenever I talked to her, she had nothing but praise for you.

RK: I can't believe this. Could I go?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Of course. I just needed to break the news to you, but if you ever want to talk about anything, I'm here for you.

RK: Thanks.

 _RK leaves the office and Wade notices that something is wrong with him._

WADE: RK, what happened in there? Are you in trouble?

RK: No. But I will be in about a week from now.

WADE: What are you talking about?

RK: Ms. McDermott got killed. A drunk driver ran her down in the street.

WADE: No way.

RK: Wade, I don't know what to do. She was the only person who tried to help me, and now...

 _Wade immediately hugs RK as RK starts crying._

WADE: It's going to be okay, man. It's going to be okay. We're here for you.

 _At that point, Manny walks up to the boys and notices RK crying. He smells his armpits, becomes depressed, and leaves in shame._

SCENE 22

CenturyLink Field

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

 _Sparky, Buster, Jaylynn, and Katrina leave the stadium after the Seahawks game._

 _*deadpan*_ SPARKY: Well, that was a great day.

BUSTER: But the Seahawks got clobbered. It was a nightmare.

SPARKY: Yeah, I was being sarcastic.

BUSTER: Oh. This isn't going to be a Super Bowl year, is it?

SPARKY: I think the closest we'll get to a Super Bowl year in Seattle is playing _Madden 19_.

JAYLYNN: Sorry the game was a mess, Katrina. I guess we showed up on the wrong Sunday.

KATRINA: It's okay. I barely knew what was happening anyway. Hey, nice choice getting KFC. I love it.

JAYLYNN: I know, right? It's like, America's chicken.

KATRINA: America's chicken, exactly. I mean, screw Popeyes, right?

JAYLYNN: Let's not go that far.

KATRINA: Sorry, I just really like KFC.

JAYLYNN: Hey, could I talk to you over there? I'll meet you guys in the car.

SPARKY: Okay.

 _Jaylynn takes Katrina away from the boys._

SPARKY: Do you think we should watch this?

BUSTER: Of course not, Jaylynn is about to express her deep feelings for someone. Let's take a couple steps and make it seem like we're talking to other fans so we can read their lips.

SPARKY: Good call.

 _Cut to Jaylynn and Katrina._

JAYLYNN: Look, Katrina, the reason I invited you here is because I really like you.

KATRINA: That's sweet, Jaylynn. I liked hanging out with you too.

JAYLYNN: No, not like that. You know how someone likes another person when they're really attracted to that other person?

KATRINA: Oh, so you mean, you feel like kissing me?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, like that. So is this the part where you break my arm and tell me to never speak to you again?

KATRINA: No way. You're cool, Jaylynn. I wish we could hang out more in the future, but I'm not into you that way.

JAYLYNN: I understand. Listen, if there's someone else...

KATRINA: Oh, there's no one else. Actually, there's never going to be anyone else.

JAYLYNN: Whatcha talkin' 'bout, Katrina?

KATRINA: I mean, I'm asexual.

JAYLYNN: Wait, asexual? So that means you don't like anyone that way?

KATRINA: No. I just don't have those kinds of feelings for someone and I never have.

JAYLYNN: Are you sure it's not just the people you meet?

KATRINA: No, it's everybody. The people that everybody considers "hot," I don't see anything in them. I just don't see anyone as a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

JAYLYNN: Wow. Well, I guess I was able to find out everything I needed to know about you.

KATRINA: Is that a bad thing?

JAYLYNN: No, of course not. But hey, at least we're friends now.

SCENE 23

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Jaylynn is talking to Anja later that day._

JAYLYNN: I just feel bad for all the boys and girls in the fifth grade. She really is hot.

ANJA: So, are you going to try and be friends with her?

JAYLYNN: Nah, she wasn't that interesting. Turns out Halley and the guys were right. Familiarity breeds content.

ANJA: You mean, contempt?

JAYLYNN: No, content in that I'm happy I realized I was acting like a psycho.

SCENE 24

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Some time later, the kids and KG are all walking into the Jennings house after attending Ms. McDermott's funeral._

KG: You know, bro, it was a really good thing you did going to your guidance counselor's funeral. It might not seem like anything now, but she's definitely smiling down on you.

RK: I still can't believe she's gone. I mean, I know we didn't know each other that long, but she meant a lot to me.

BUSTER: I know how you feel. I had a pet goldfish that I really loved. I named him Joey. But then he died after I cleaned him in the bathtub.

SPARKY: Buster, that was an episode of _Full House_.

BUSTER: No, that really happened to me. I was trying to prove that episode was fake and it could never happen in real life.

JAYLYNN: At least Ms. McDermott inspired you enough to get a B-minus on a science test. That means good things are coming for you.

RK: Or maybe it means it was just a fluke.

SPARKY: Come on, RK, you don't mean that.

RK: I do. Everything was starting to come together for me. I had a teacher in school that treated me like I was special, I actually tried to put some effort into my work, and now that teacher's dead. It's like I'm cursed with this evil spell that turns every good thing in my life into nasty grey mush.

WADE: I don't think you need Ms. McDermott anymore.

RK: Yeah, I do. You don't know what you're talking about. You don't have to eat the mush.

WADE: Look, RK, this has happened so many times in the past. You're lazy with bad grades, you realize it doesn't have to be that way, then something happens that was unexpected, and before you know it, you're in the same place you were in the beginning. Ms. McDermott gave you a chance to break the cycle, and even though she's dead, it doesn't mean you have to go back to where you were before.

RK: But the status quo is God, Wade. It says so right in the title!

WADE: Yeah, it does, but the status quo can't stop you anymore. Remember what you said before? You weren't going to let the past define who you are anymore. You said you were going to make better decisions and make your relationship with school better. You said that all on your own way before you needed a guidance counselor.

RK: I did say that, didn't I?

WADE: Yeah, you did. Look around the room, man. We all believe in you. Mr. Robertson believed in you, and Ms. McDermott believed in you. Now, it's time for _you_ to believe in you.

 _RK sighs and looks down on the floor._

SCENE 25

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _That night, RK looks around the room while sitting on the couch. The TV is off while his school books are on the coffee table, but he is hesitant to open them._

RK: Come on, RK, it's your time now. It's your moment.

 _RK slowly extends his hand towards the coffee table to pick up a book, then pulls it back._

RK: I'm not ready for this. Am I?

MS. MCDERMOTT: You definitely are.

 _RK screams when he sees an imaginary version of Ms. McDermott appear next to him on the couch._

RK: Ms. McDermott, what are you doing in my house?

MS. MCDERMOTT: I'm in your head, RK. You never really got a chance to say goodbye to me so I'm still here.

RK: It's just a transition, Ms. McDermott. For so long, I've been the underachieving one. The person who was okay with settling for just enough. How can I take the leap from that to...RK the scholar?

MS. MCDERMOTT: It's just like we talked about. You can do it at your own pace. I don't want to see you give up on yourself because you're worth so much more than what you think.

RK: I still can't get over the fact that I'll never see you again.

MS. MCDERMOTT: Me neither. But if you want, I can always show up as a ghost on Halloween.

RK: That kinda depends on what I'm doing that night. I don't want you to go out of your way.

MS. MCDERMOTT: I understand.

RK: I love you, Ms. McDermott.

MS. MCDERMOTT: I love you too, RK. Never forget me.

 _RK hugs the imaginary Ms. McDermott and she disappears. RK takes a deep breath and opens up his history book. The camera widens to reveal that a confused and disturbed Buster has seen the whole thing while sitting on the staircase, and slowly walks backwards upstairs out of fear. Cut to black._

 _("Next Time" by Gang Starr plays over the end credits)_

©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS


	2. A Trip to the Guidance Counselor B-Pass

_PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES (written 10/8/18)_

-I forgot to really talk about this last week, but with season seven, when I talked about wanting the show to be different, I meant I wanted to take things in a new creative direction. I don't want to do anything too drastic to where it doesn't feel like _Thank You, Heavenly_ anymore, but I want to feel like the show is going places again and trying to do new things. I put myself in the mindset of giving the series away to a new showrunner, like I did back in season five (2016-2017) and season three (2014-2015). What would I want them to do to make the show better? What kind of ideas can they come up with that will make things a little more interesting? This is one of those episodes that reflect where I want the show to go.

-When I originally came up with this idea, I imagined it being in a later season, after the kids had left the fourth grade. I was inspired by the _Everybody Hates Chris_ episode "Everybody Hates the Guidance Counselor" and thought something like that would work well as a _Thank You, Heavenly_ episode. However, when season seven came around and I was thinking about ideas, I thought it was perfect. It was something that I thought would be easy to not mess up and add something to RK's character.

-This episode is self-aware because this is a story that's been done many times before. _Thank You, Heavenly_ was inspired/influenced by shows like _Family Guy_ and _The Simpsons_ , where characters experience events one week and go back to doing the same thing next week. I always wanted _Thank You, Heavenly_ to be a little different, where instead of hitting the reset button every week, the characters would remember certain events and it would have an impact on their actions in future episodes. I don't know how many more times I can write an episode where RK realizes his potential as a student. That doesn't mean I'll never make another joke about RK being lazy or not liking school, but I do want this episode to mean something.

-One thing that's always been consistent is that RK doesn't respond well to people telling him he has no worth. He doesn't trust school or the people who work there because the people have always seen him as a failure, and barely give him any help beyond lecturing him about straightening up. Ms. McDermott was one of the very few people in RK's life (outside of his friends and family) who saw him as an actual person with unique qualities and not just another student. He only does well in school when someone like Ms. McDermott or Mr. Robertson encourages him to believe in himself, because it's something he rarely ever hears.

-I don't know why, but when I was thinking of people that could play the guidance counselor, Winona Ryder was one of the very few voices I was hearing. I feel like there's a certain sensitivity and charm when she talks that would make her perfect as someone who works with kids.

-I came up with the subplot this summer and it was inspired by real-life events. I was in Jaylynn's position when I was working a job with this one girl who I thought I really liked, but it was just a physical attraction.

-I was a little surprised at how much stayed the same from the first draft. I barely changed anything outside of tightening up a few lines and adding some new dialogue. Those episodes tend to be the best (like "Raging Buster" or "War of the Salehs") because it's like they're telling me what they want to be from the beginning.

-Buster references the "We were on a break!" catchphrase used by Ross Geller from the NBC sitcom _Friends_ (1994-2004).

-RK references Stevie Wonder's Album of the Year Grammy wins back in the 1970s for _Innervisions_ (1974), _Fulfillingness' First Finale_ (1975), and _Songs in the Key of Life_ (1977).

-I noticed that Anja wasn't in any of the previous episodes so far this season, so I wanted to make a joke about it.

-RK references the late children's show host Fred Rogers, and the original host of the Nick Jr. educational show _Blue's Clues_ (1996-2006), Steve Burns. He left the show in 2002 and was replaced by Donovan Patton, who appeared as Joe (this show made a joke about Steve getting replaced before in "Sparky Inflates the Grade").

-This is the second time RK has referenced Mrs. Spinerman, the first time being in last season's "Student-Teacher Conference: The Half Days from Hell."

-Mrs. McDermott references the season five episode "Young Black Prepubescents," where RK decides to go on strike against iCarly Elementary.

-Sparky references the season four episode "S-P-A-R-K-Y the Letter Man," where RK develops a crush on the new social worker at school and gets her attention by telling her stories about his "unstable" home life. Once she finds out that none of the stories are true, she quits her job due to psychological reasons and RK gets suspended.

-In the season four episode "11 Ways to Ruin a Birthday," Jaylynn admits to Halley that before she realized she was lesbian, she used to have a crush on Sparky. She told her that in confidence, but now that Sparky knows, I plan to have Jaylynn deal with it sooner or later.

-Sparky references Buster's former pen pal Jennessa, who made a few appearances in season two (2013-2014) but was written out of the show after that.

-Originally, when Wade comforted RK, Manny was going to walk up to them and mention that just because he stepped in dog shit, doesn't mean they have to cry about it. I felt like the line was taking away from the moment, so I made Manny's appearance more subtle.

-Jaylynn references _Diff'rent Strokes_ (1978-1986) character Arnold Jackson's catchphrase "Whatcha talkin' 'bout, Willis?" when talking to Katrina.

-Originally, when Anja asked Jaylynn if she was going to stay friends with Katrina, she just said that she would forget the whole thing ever happened. I didn't like how it sounded because it made it seem like Jaylynn would stop talking to Katrina because she's asexual, something that would be wildly out of character, so I changed it to her realizing that Katrina just wasn't that interesting.

-Buster and Sparky reference the season four _Full House_ episode "A Fish Called Martin."

-RK references the television trope called "Status Quo is God." The trope means that no matter what happens in an episode, the characters have to be back in the same place they were in the beginning. If I applied it to this episode, RK would forget all about Ms. McDermott and return to his old habits like nothing ever happened.

-The original song in the end credits was "Form of Intellect," another Gang Starr song. However, I started to think it didn't really fit with the episode. Last season, when I didn't have a song to play at the end of an episode, I would just use "Next Time." It's a really good song and it says everything it needs to just from the title. Like, "The episode's done. See you next time." I thought that would just be a season six thing, but I'm going to keep it around from now on.


End file.
